45 Days Sober

I embarked on my sober journey 45 days ago. I have considered myself sober-curious for quite some time now. Taking periodic breaks from drinking only to be beckoned back like a sailor to the rocks by its siren call.  However, I feel like I have recently awakened from alcohol's melodic lies and seen the truth about my alcohol consumption. 

So much of my personal journey has been associated with the drinking cultures that I was immersed in throughout the last decade. From my husband’s familial drinking culture, to mommy drinking culture, I felt like alcohol was everywhere. I could be more amiable, prettier, more sophisticated if I would just drink a glass or two or three or four of wine. Instead so many times I would end up being loud, obnoxious, abrasive, and sick. 

You would think that breaking my relationship with alcohol would  be so simple, so easy, but to be honest, it hasn’t been. I would be lying if I said that days 40 through 45 were not a slog. I am surprised and astounded by my own personal strength to not imbibe given the circumstance. 

Day 40 through 45 marked a lot of firsts for me. My first trip back to our old hometown in Oregon after deciding to move to sunny California, the first time seeing my in-laws since our move, and my first trip since deciding to be sober. Leading into the trip, I felt overwhelming anxiety and stress knowing that this could easily make or break my recent sobriety. To say I have a challenging relationship with my in-laws would be a kind understatement. 

Their family culture thrives off of hiding truths and adhering to pleasantness above all else. Previously, I had used a glass or two (or more) to help me cope with this culture. Smiling placidly at family events, drinking wine, hoping to take the tension of the obvious awkwardness of our strained relationships. Or sitting silently through yet another tense meal to come home to unwind with a glass or two. But that crutch was not available to me, not this time. I worried that I would snap, break, or give in. I knew that in order to succeed, I had to be prepared. 

Over the past few months, I have honed in on a sober routine. A morning and night time ritual that has helped me cope with the everyday stresses of life. However, I worried that my routine would not uphold my sanity when dealing with my husband’s family. I decided that in order to uphold my sobriety I was going to throw everything at it from routine items, to non-alcoholic drinks, to extra self-care items to boost my likelihood of sticking to my sobriety. 

My car was filled with anything that I thought would help me take the edge off without alcohol. I knew that a 9 hour car ride with a demanding 6 year-old and a constipated 18 month-old would not be an easy feat. 

The car ride, though split between two days, was rough. I was on edge and tense when we rolled up to my in-laws. I could feel the anxiety creeping in, I was exhausted, frustrated and my kids were ready to bounce off the walls of my mother-in-law’s house, which  was more a museum than a comfortable home. 

To o my chagrin, my mother-in-law was not expecting us for hours, and had mixed up our arrival time. My kids were chaotic, the conversations with my in-laws were tense, and we had five hours to kill before our vacation rental was open. I could feel my skin crawling the louder my kids got, the more humorless my mother-in-law’s face grew, and the more unaware my husband was of the growing chaos. 

As we left the  house to head to the grocery store to grab food, I was jonesing for this feeling to go away. As we walked past the wine aisle I had to chant, “I am a non-drinker, I am a non-drinker” over and over as the beautiful bottles came into view. 

I wanted nothing more in that moment than to grab a wine bottle, pull the cork out with my teeth, and start drinking. I yearned for release from the growing tension. But as I rounded the corner and the bottles were out of sight, I remembered my plan. I grabbed a bottle of iced tea and some strawberry lemonade instead, a perfect non-alcoholic drink for my evening. I remembered that I had already made plans to release this tension that was building in a healthy and productive way. 

The night began to draw to a close, my kids were in bed, we were finally in our rental, but  the tension still lingered. I began to go through my evening routine. Playing sound therapy music on my Endel app and turning the shower water as hot as I could bear. I let the hot water wash over my body, cleansing the stress of the day, while the relaxation music played. 

I learned over these months to carve out time and find ways to make my everyday life more enjoyable. After my shower I slathered on a thick lavender face mask and switched to listening to a guided relaxing meditation. I deeply breathed in the lavender scent and released the tension that I stored in my body. 

By the time the meditation was finished, I felt like myself again. But this time I felt something more; I felt pride. Pride in sticking to my promise to myself to not drink, pride in finding new ways to deal with this growing stress, pride in who I was becoming. The old Michelle would have poured a glass or two or three to release from the stress, never actually feeling released. Back then, I may have forgotten the stress for a moment or two, but the triggers and tension would linger as soon as the alcohol haze no longer enveloped me. 

The rest of our trip followed a similar theme: Me holding on tightly to my morning and evening routines. Incorporating as much exercise, meditation, self-care, and grace as I possibly could through a challenging situation. 

I won’t lie, I thought about drinking every day. I thought about drinking when we visited with friends who were drinking, I thought about drinking when I was frustrated and exhausted at night before bed, I thought about drinking on the way home when I was finally free of my in-laws, I even thought about drinking when I finally got home. 

But at the end of the day, I had to truly decide who I wanted to be in the  morning. I want to be a woman who is 45 days sober, going on 46, who is willing to do the work and take care of herself.

About Michelle:

I am Michelle Slivkoff, a wife and mother of two beautiful children. I am currently embarking on a healing journey which includes an alcohol free lifestyle. I enjoy using writing as one of my outlets towards healing and expression.

Instagram: @healthyhealingshelly